🎬 MY IDENTITY 🙈
Let’s talk about where I come from. Maybe sharing my struggle with finding my identity will help someone else find theirs a little quicker than I did.
Starting at a young age. I had placement issues. I never really knew where I belonged. I had various culture backgrounds. I was mixed: with Native American, African American & Irish (European). All of which i have the traits of; i don’t feel like one nationality - Physically, Spiritually, or personality wise. Growing up I thought I was completely white. Other Kids even adults thought I was white. My Father is from Tennessee and mom grew up in Mississippi. I was born in Chicago so I’m a city girl. I have that southern draw “White girl voice with a southern accent” people use to say. Why did I have to be identified like that. Like it was a bad thing. It wasn’t until 2nd or 3rd grade when my mom told me I wasn’t white. She explained what i was mixed with. I was surprised. I honestly thought I was white. I look white. Act white. Kids at school said I was white. But I wasn’t. And by law or something I was considered to be black. Even though I was mixed with a various of other things. The only hard part was; I didn’t feel black. And still till this day I don’t look black, but I don’t feel white either. I’m super light. Long hair and a foreign name. People still don’t believe me when i tell them I have African American running through my veins. It’s so confusing. I never really knew where I belonged since I wasn’t completely one thing. And people constantly telling me “Are you sure you aren’t white” !!!! WHAT. What do you mean am i sure ? Yea I’m certain!!! Why would I lie. My blood runs red just like everybody else. The color of your skin shouldn’t be your defining moment and it most certainly shouldn’t be the first thing people judge you on. But unfortunately it is.
And I know your all thinking why didn’t my mom teach me where I came from, but It’s not her fault. She didn’t want to influence that race is a big deal that defines you. Little kids are impressionable, so telling me could’ve made me hate other races or think of everyone as better than another when we should just be equal. She didn’t want me to become racist (And thank God I’m Not); she was protecting me. And I appreciate it. I would’ve done the same thing. It’s not easy for her either....... At least once a month someone is approaching me or my mom; asking us “What are we” “What are we mixed with”, because you can tell where not black but you can also tell where not completely white either. I can’t blame them for not knowing what we identify with because sometimes i don’t even know myself.
My mom is lighter than me. Sometimes she’s even mistaken for Mexican. But she’s European & Native American; she’s more native American than me actually..... Her father was Native, Irish, African American and her mom was European, Caucasian, Native and African American. Which seems a little more difficult to identify with too. She had it just as bad as me. But she had both her parents around. She never didn’t know what culture she belonged too. Because she grew around them both.
To me family is overrated. Their not always down for you; like your down for them.
I didn’t grow up with my father around. He wanted nothing to do with me. But it’s alright cause he’s a deadbeat anyway. Coming and going out of my life. Absent for years at a time and reappearing buying me shit like that’ll make up for it. “You missed birthdays and Christmases”!!!! You show up for my 13 birthday..... bringing me a cake i don’t even like; and get mad at me for not even eating it. Another excuse to stay away from me (You can just call me ungrateful and selfish). I’m actually ok not having him around. The whole situation was stressful enough. I had to let him go and stop allowing him to hurt me. Yea it wasn’t easy when I was little. Constantly wondering what did I do wrong to make him not like me, and one day I realized it wasn’t me. Nothing is wrong with me. He’s missing out. He would’ve been lucky to have me. And it took me longer than i wanted to realize that i wasn’t the problem. HE WAS !!!!!
I don’t really know anything about him; other than the fact that He’s African American and so are his other kids. The only Child he wanted to be there for. He’s from Tennessee which is probably where i get my “southern draw” from. - Well that and the fact that my mom lived in Mississippi for years. My placement issues probably worsened by the fact that - My half siblings knew their race and where they belonged because they were much darker than me..... They weren’t constantly told they were something else because their skin is just so unidentifiable, they grew up with their mom and dad around so they knew both sides of where they came from; and I didn’t. I only met his mother. MY GRANDMOTHER. Once.
Throughout this whole uphill battle about my identity and where I come from has humbled me and made me grateful for my mixed heritage. My Father doesn’t even deserve the title. I usually just call him “The Sperm Donor” because anything successful that I WILL BECOME..... has no thanks to him. The figure of taking Responsibility is something he lacked. But not me. I take my life seriously and I will not stand by and watch my opportunities pass me up. I’m gonna do what I gotta do to be something great.
Long story short I still struggle with my background and identity, but for the most part I understand why I feel the way I feel and I know how I can help others. I don’t have hard feelings for not having a father figure around. I’m not salty for having a shitty family. I’m ok with it. Throughout the many obstacles I’ve faced I’ve made some amazing friends- Little , Young and old that I can call my family. Blood isn’t always thicker than water. - Remember That !!! 🙏🏼
ACCEPT YOUR IDENTITY. BECOME YOUR PURPOSE. LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO BE ANYONE ELSE, BUT YOU. 🧐
- Shakira Marie :)